Old Enough to Know Better?

Here's an email I received that I know so many work-at-home mothers and fathers will relate to: "I have started a fairly successful home business. My problem is, the moment I go into my office, my children (who were playing very quietly alone before) suddenly need me desperately. They begin fighting, running in and out of the office, asking me where this book is, where this toy is, will I help with homework. They are nine and eleven and I don't feel it necessary to hire a babysitter while I'm working at home.

What should I do? How do I set boundaries with them--without making them feel ignored or left out? How do I get them to LEAVE ME ALONE while I'm working? Why do they act up so much once I'm working?"

So, the myth about working at home while your children are well supervised, appreciative of your presence at home, happily entertaining themselves, and not in any way intruding on your work space -- just exploded. That fantasy only exists in the minds of people who have never actually tried working from home while caring for children under the age of 18. I can relate to your question, as I too juggle between the needs of my work, and the wants of my children. Notice the language I used in this last sentence: My word choice was intentional.

Let's take a look at "wants and needs," and see how that might help you work out your dilemma (or at least to make it more manageable). I don't believe this issue will ever be completely solved as long as you have children in your presence while you are trying to work. It's a constant juggling act, and setting boundaries is not something that you can ever do perfectly.

Differentiate between being available for your children's needs versus their wants. If it's truly an emergency ( and "Mom, we don't have any more milk" does not qualify), then you want your children to know that you are available and concerned. Review with them the kinds of emergencies or important daily occurrences that you do want to be interrupted for. That sends the message - "I care, and I am available if you really need me." Your kids are testing you to see where you will draw that line. Your inability to draw that line firmly and consistently invites them to continually test you.

Now, let's move onto the want list. Children always seek the attention of their parents. Even teenagers who rebel against parental authority will often act out in a subconscious desire to invoke more parental attention, even if it's negative. You can be there for your children's wants, too, but on your terms.

It is likely that you are caught in a very common vicious cycle that looks something like this: Your children interrupt you too frequently so you are understandably frustrated, and therefore, you give them little attention except begrudgingly accommodating their latest cry for help. As soon as that crisis is mitigated, you are back to your work hoping that they will leave you alone for some uninterrupted work time.

When your children pester you "for no good reason" only moments later, your patience diminishes further, and as you start sending the message loud and clear: "LEAVE ME ALONE," they will usually do just the opposite, until you reach the point where you banish them from your office in a tantrum of rage. That kind of angry interaction will make children even more needy and insecure, thus the cycle perpetuates itself, even worse the next day. Here's how you break the cycle.

Give your kids the attention they crave, according to your timetable. Let them know that you wish to be uninterrupted for, let's say, one hour. Then reward them for leaving you alone for that time. Tell them that if they let you work uninterrupted, you will be entirely available to them at. . . you name the time. When that time comes around, break away from your work, seek out your children, and spend a few moments fully connecting with them, answering any questions, showing interest in their activities, and so on. The key is to learn to be fully present for them for a little while, even just ten minutes, to satisfy their craving for your attention. Your children would probably rather have all of your attention for ten minutes, then only seconds of your distracted, annoyed attention for a full hour.

If your children are genuinely confused about when it's okay to interrupt you with their wants, and when it is not, you can come up with a code that you all understand, for example: "when my office door is shut, please don't disturb me unless it's an emergency." Or, "When I am on the phone, please don't interrupt me until I am off of the call." These kinds of boundaries are certainly understandable to children age 9 and 11.

Something else to take a look at is the role that guilt plays for you in this dilemma. Although you present the problem as "nuisance kids," my hunch is that you are ambivalent about not being fully available for your children. Kids are incredibly intuitive -- they pick up those guilt vibes and know just how to push your hot button. When you come to peace with your commitment to your work, and are able to set firm boundaries in a loving way without wavering or feeling guilty, they will likely stop pestering you so often. Remember to articulate to yourself and to your children, the rewards that come to the entire family from your dedication to your work.

Enroll your children in the process of making your success possible. It can't hurt to remind your preteens that if they want the latest in school fashions, they'd better let their mommy make some money!

Azriela Jaffe is the founder of "Anchored Dreams", a coaching and consulting firm, and author of eight books including "CreateYour Own Luck, Eight Principles to Attracting Good Fortune In to Your Life, Love, and Work" ( Adams Media 2000) "Starting from No, Ten Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business" (Dearborn 1999), and newly rereleased and expanded:  "Let's Go Into Business Together, Eight Secrets for successful Business Partnering ( CareerPress 2001). Azriela lives in Lancaster, Pennsylvania with her husband and three children. This article copyright © 1999, Azriela Jaffe.

For free online newsletter for entrepreneurial couples/families, and creating luck, or for information about her syndicated column, "Advice from A-Z", email azriela@mindspring.com.  Questions and reader response can be emailed, or write to 793 Sumter Drive, Yardley, PA 19067.  Azriela loves hearing from her readers, so don't be shy!

This article is used with permission of the author. All rights reserved. Inclusion of links and contact information does not imply endorsement of the contents.

 

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