Parents
today have a variety of choices regarding
their parenting style. Are you a strict
disciplinarian? Do you expect children to
do as you say, not as you do? Or are you
permissive, letting the child do as he or
she pleases, afraid of their whining, demands,
and pleas? Do you give in to them, to avoid
unleashing their rage, that will be directed
at you? Perhaps you use rewards to excess,
coercing children into acceptable behaviors
by bribing them with external goodies.
These parenting
styles reflect thousands of years of training
in autocratic societies. We adopt a parenting
style similar to our parents, or exactly
the opposite in defiance of their ways.
This has passed from generation to generation
since culture began. Democracy is relatively
new to the world and therefore the parenting
style appropriate to raising children in
preparation for living this way, fairly
new as well. The parenting style most effective
for preparing children to live in a democratic
society is called Redirection. The following are
some personal examples of how Redirecting
works as an alternative to punishment, permissiveness
and rewards.
My 5 &
6 year old were running around the house,
yelling, screaming, fighting etc. I was
going nuts as I was trying to get dinner
ready. I yelled at them to knock it off
(the beginning of punishment) and when that
didn?t work, I was tempted to really let
them have it (punishment). Instead I decided
to Redirect. I took a moment,
got down on their level and asked them what
they could do to make themselves useful
so I could finish making dinner. They decided
to sweep the floor together. They immediately
settled down and got to work. I was amazed
when they also decided to mop, and then
wiped the windowsills clean. The bedlam
ended and left us all feeling valuable,
capable and proud of our contributions.
My 10 year
old had a problem when friends came over.
Her room would become a disaster area which
she could not ever seem to clean up. Instead
of letting her get away with irresponsibility
(permissiveness), then having a week-long
battle, I decided to Redirect. We discussed this and came up
with a mutually agreeable solution. Every
1/2 hour I would announce "Room check
in 5 minutes!" and she and her friend
would need to straighten everything except
what they were playing with. The result
was a clean room and a child who learned
she needed to be responsible to get what
she wanted.
My 5 year
old son showed me an empty plastic cup after
school. He said he had gotten some m&m?s
for counting his numbers well (reward).
I said, "Great job, Michael!"
He said, "Yeah, but it isn?t even related!"
He intuitively knew that the reward was
not related to his accomplishment. I told
this story to on of my parenting classes
and a teacher offered, "If the teacher
had counted out the m&m?s, then it would
have been related!" |
The chart below shows the differing
results from each parenting style. It is
reprinted with permission from the Redirecting
Children's Behavior Workbook, copyright
1994 INCAF.
- PUNISHMENT,
PERMISSIVENESS, REWARDS AND REDIRECTION
Child's
Reaction to Punishment
- Lying
- Blaming
- Irresponsibility
- Fearful
- Confusion
- Pleases
or resists authority
- Low
self-esteem
- Lack
of trust
- Desire
for revenge
- Anger
displaced on younger siblings
- Uncentered
children
- Sneakiness
- Hurtful
of self
- External
control
- Teaches
child what to think
Child's
Reaction to Permissiveness
- Freedom
without order
- Lack
of respect
- Lack
of self-confidence
- Lack
of concern for others
- Child
doesn?t learn the value
of contributing
- Lacks
self-discipline and focus
- Questions
whether or not they are
loved
|
Child's
Reaction to Redirection
- Looks
for happiness within
- Respects
self and others
- Consideration
for others
- Assertive
- Internal
Value setting
- Cooperation
- Looks
to what is best for the
situation
- Trusts
- High
self-esteem
- Peaceful,
calm child
- Internal
control
- Self-motivated
- Learns
from experience
- Makes
responsible decisions
- Teaches
child how to think
Child's
Reaction to Rewards
- Expects
and demands that others
should make him happy
- Looks
for the next reward
- Lack
of concern for others
- Looks
to please authority figure
- Develops
the attitude of, "What?s
in it for me?"
|
- Redirecting
is discipline that builds self-esteem
and enhances character.
-
-
- Positive Parenting
3067 Channel
Drive
Ventura, CA. 93003
email info@positiveparenting.com
|
![[Deborah Critzer]](http://positiveparenting.com/graphics/debbie3.jpg)
"Redirecting"
- A Parent's Alternative